My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.