My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
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batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My Guy