MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
How software testing works
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”