If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
This has made my week.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?