“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs