interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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peep davidson
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.