[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.