[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Good advice.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.