Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?