I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.