Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
umm…
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby