Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.