ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
A French press is when you hug naked
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.