My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space