[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
True?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?