We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.