I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads