“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
For anyone who needs this today
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.