I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR