I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
never ask a starfish for directions
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.