“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Oops
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.