Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it