DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
this post was so formative to me
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
#parenting
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards