Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.