If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Maths meets science
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.