I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.