Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
You Might Also Like
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.