Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Yup.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”