I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya鈥檒l.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I鈥檓 at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I鈥檓 not able to sleep.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
You come to my house鈥n the day my daughter is to be married鈥nd you ask me to do murder for money
Greeting humans vs their dogs
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Me checking my bank balance online.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I need to find just the perfect men鈥檚 swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
him: I鈥檓 gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again