My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Bros before Ohioes
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.