My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.