Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
idk what this dog had been going through but same
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.