This woman is my idol. Free her.
You Might Also Like
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.