If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
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take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.