Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.