Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
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[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp