Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
hmmm
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020