[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
You Might Also Like
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
reviewed some movies recently
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
black phone good
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude