psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
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Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
😬
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.