friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Incredible customer service.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
What
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.