Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car