I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I’m listening