Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I need to update my racial profile.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.