I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
This makes total sense…
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise