I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Do not steal food from the science building!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself