“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*ernest hemingway voice*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin