Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
ibopfufen
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.