Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Finally!
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist