Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My Plans 2020
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Dolls on drugs
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
This could be us but you eatin’
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
They say women only use 10% of their anger