*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
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Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
*pronounces patio like ratio
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room